Cancer Journal 11: Still Angry after All These Years

Angry Black Woman

Listen below to hear my latest reflections on how anger and my health issues are connected. There is a direct connection between anger and cancer.  

I could have called this series "The Angry Black Woman's Cancer Journals". 








Click here for more Cancer Journals with Zhana. 

Click here for Success Strategies for Black People. 

Audre Lorde:  Your Silence Will Not Protect You 

Click here for Why We Need to Heal.  

Cancer Journal 6: What Are Angels?

Angels Answers Cards

Continuing this blog series “Cancer Journals”, named after Audre Lorde's classic The Cancer Journals. Please leave your comments below. Thanks. 

Click here for more Cancer Journals blog posts.  

I don't know what angels are. That is to say, I don't know what they represent in my belief system. Being a Buddhist, I do not believe in, or worship, a god or a creator of any kind. For many years, even when I was a Christian, I did not believe in the existence of angels, But now, I know that they are real, and I believe they are a beneficial influence. I have experienced profoundly, deeply peaceful mental states when working with angels.

A few months ago, I realised that by my bedside I had several decks of angel cards, two books about angels and an angel diary. I had to concede that I really do believe in their existence.

I remember, many years ago, watching a film in which my teacher Sangharakshita compared angels to Bodhisattvas. At the time, I thought, “why is he talking about angels? Surely he must know they don't exist!” Wow, how wrong can you be?

The angels have guided me (via the cards) to write and publish this blog series. I don't particularly want to do so, but I am always willing to try things and see where they may lead. This could be a healing process for myself and for others. Hence, this series.

Cancer Journal 5: An Angry Life

Angry Black Woman

Continuing this blog series “Cancer Journals”, named after Audre Lorde's classic The Cancer Journals.   Please leave your comments below.  Thanks.

Anger has always been an issue for me.   And even as a young child, I always believed that anger is connected with cancer – if we don't find ways to process our anger effectively.

As Black people, we cary a lot of anger due to the oppression we face, and we have carried that anger for generations. When we carry negative emotions, they block us from attracting the things we want and deserve.  For more about this, see Achieving Success and Why We Need to Heal.

The negative emotions we carry affect our families as well, and I believe they can not only make us prone to disease, but also block our healing process.  But I have long felt the need to hang onto my anger.  It's as if I think it protects me.  I have thought of anger as a protection, a form of armour.  But really, the opposite is true.

This is why I have decided to record a healing meditation to help me let go of any negative emotions and anything that could be blocking my healing process.  It will not just be for people who have cancer, it will be for anyone who needs physical or emotional healing.

I have carried a lot of intense anger and fear in the past, which stems partly from the abuse I experienced growing up.

I'm a lot less angry than I used to be, but I still experience the full range, from mild irritation to annoyance, to anger, rage and fury.  Even lingering resentment can be destructive, as it alienates us from others, and eats away at us from the inside.

I trust that my new healing meditation will help me, and will be beneficial for you, too.  I shall be posting a link in the next few days.

Cancer Journal 3: Shopping for Green Candles

Green is the colour of life and health.

Continuing this blog series, “Cancer Journals”, named after Audre Lorde's classic The Cancer Journals.  

Please leave your comments below. Thanks.

I've been shopping like crazy.  I recently received a substantial refund on payment protection insurance (PPI).  (Swings and roundabouts.)  So I am spending it.

A spiritual friend whom I trust implicitly suggested that I chant the White Tara mantra.  I am very drawn to Green Tara, who is extremely beautiful - she is the essence of Compassion.  But I have never been particularly interested in White Tara.  I can't get my head around the thought of a Buddha or Boddhisattva being white.  It just makes no sense to me.

However, on his suggestion, I have started chanting the Green Tara mantra.  He says it increases one's life force energy.  I have been doing the Tara puja (ritual) and I chant both the Green Tara and White Tara mantras during it.

I have completely changed my shrine now.  It has been largely pink for several years.  Pink represents unconditional love, and particularly self-love and self-care.

Now, I have changed it to green and white.  Green is the colour of the heart, the colour of unconditional love and compassion.  It also represents growth, health, prosperity and abundance.

 

So I've been doing lots of shopping for green candles. They are surprisingly hard to find. One shop owner told me someone came in and bought up all the green candles in his shop around St. Patrick's Day.  But that was more than six weeks ago now – come on, man.

So I ended up buying some online.  Big green candles, small green candles, long green candles, short green candles. 

 

Yeah, lots of shopping.  Maybe all this shopping is my way of reaffirming life. I seriously updated my wardrobe online the other day.  Yesterday, my doorbell kept ringing. A steady stream of goodies arrived at my door. Brilliant.  Where to put all this stuff? I'm enjoying it, though.

Still, I need to face the fact that I may not be here next year to enjoy this stuff – or even next month.

Cancer Journals

The Cancer Journals

I have named this blog series “Cancer Journals” after Audre Lorde's classic The Cancer Journals.

It's been three weeks since I found out I had cancer.  My consultant gynaecologist had been trying to phone me and left messages on my voice mail, but as I sometimes don't check it for a couple of days, I didn't realise.  I had emailed his secretary asking if I could have the results of the tests I'd had done.  Then I got the letter telling me of an appointment to see a consultant at the MacMillan Cancer Centre, so I knew.

The first two weeks, I was pretty much in shock. I met with the consultant oncologist, who told me I would have to have a complete hysterectomy.  In between being in shock, I have been going through the first stages of grief:  denial and anger.  I have been angry at pretty much everybody – everybody who doesn't have cancer, everybody who has a partner or children or family around them – so that's pretty much everybody.

Trying to get the support I need, well, that's an ongoing battle.  Or series of battles.  Anyway. I'm strong.  I'm tough, right?  I am a warrior.  I am also vulnerable.  And I certainly was not expecting this.

I don't know how long I can keep up this blog series, because I don't know how I will feel physically or emotionally, or if I will have the courage to say what's really going on for me.  I'll do my best to keep it real, for as long as I can.  But some days, no doubt I will not feel up to posting.  

I trust you will find this series useful and helpful.  Please leave your comments below.