Cancer Journal 4: Brain Freeze

Brain Freeze

Continuing this blog series “Cancer Journals”, named after Audre Lorde's classic The Cancer Journals.  Please leave your comments below.  Thanks. 

 

I saw the hospital psychologist on Friday.  She reckons I am still in shock, and I realise now that I am.  I'm very vague a lot of the time, and I'm having trouble making decisions.

Once I was given the cancer diagnosis, I went into brain freeze.  As my flat fills up with packing materials, my head can hold very little apart from clothes, green candles and similar.  I am usually not that into clothes, but I am turning into one of those women who take ages to decide what to wear.

At times like this, it's useful to have friends who tell me what to do, like the one I talked about here.

Cancer Journal 3: Shopping for Green Candles

Green is the colour of life and health.

Continuing this blog series, “Cancer Journals”, named after Audre Lorde's classic The Cancer Journals.  

Please leave your comments below. Thanks.

I've been shopping like crazy.  I recently received a substantial refund on payment protection insurance (PPI).  (Swings and roundabouts.)  So I am spending it.

A spiritual friend whom I trust implicitly suggested that I chant the White Tara mantra.  I am very drawn to Green Tara, who is extremely beautiful - she is the essence of Compassion.  But I have never been particularly interested in White Tara.  I can't get my head around the thought of a Buddha or Boddhisattva being white.  It just makes no sense to me.

However, on his suggestion, I have started chanting the Green Tara mantra.  He says it increases one's life force energy.  I have been doing the Tara puja (ritual) and I chant both the Green Tara and White Tara mantras during it.

I have completely changed my shrine now.  It has been largely pink for several years.  Pink represents unconditional love, and particularly self-love and self-care.

Now, I have changed it to green and white.  Green is the colour of the heart, the colour of unconditional love and compassion.  It also represents growth, health, prosperity and abundance.

 

So I've been doing lots of shopping for green candles. They are surprisingly hard to find. One shop owner told me someone came in and bought up all the green candles in his shop around St. Patrick's Day.  But that was more than six weeks ago now – come on, man.

So I ended up buying some online.  Big green candles, small green candles, long green candles, short green candles. 

 

Yeah, lots of shopping.  Maybe all this shopping is my way of reaffirming life. I seriously updated my wardrobe online the other day.  Yesterday, my doorbell kept ringing. A steady stream of goodies arrived at my door. Brilliant.  Where to put all this stuff? I'm enjoying it, though.

Still, I need to face the fact that I may not be here next year to enjoy this stuff – or even next month.